Saturday, August 14, 2010
My first time
I totally can't believe that i'm actually blogging from a LAN shop right now with Jeffrey and Justine.
It's been a long time since i actually last blogged.
Many mnay things have been happening in my life right now.
Many Many unhappy things has been happening!! Nothing seems to be right for me at this very moment.
Very thing is not smooth and every thing is going the wrong way.
I have been sick for a very long time and i can't seems to get well at all.
i have been seeing a doctor almost twice a week and i still can't seems to get well at all.
All my doctor tells me i should go and see a sleep doctor cause right now maybe only a sleep doctor can help me.
I have been very unhappy for the past 5 months! Many things have been happening between me and Jeffrey.
Nothing seems to be the same anymore.
I'm really tired at times! Right now at this very moment all we ever does is quarrel and quarrel.
Sometimes i really wonder izzit really my fault or are we just not suitable for each other.
we have very different thinking and mind set. what we want is also very different . We can no longer communicate with each other.
i know he cares for me ( I guess ) but i just dun understand why does he have to express his love and concern to me in this way.
why does love have to come with pain and sorrow??
I always belive in fairytale and happy ending but right now i really don't believe in anything.
People always tell me love comes with a price. Nothing is ever perfect in the world but you have to work hard and try hard to make things work out.
I can say i really tried, i tried very very hard. I have did my very best and i have did all that i can .
Something times i just dun understand why can't he have more patience with me ??
Am i really that irriatting to him that he really can't stand me anymore.
Love is suppose to be perfect and sweet. Love is suppose to support amd give each other courage ans strength. Nut why is mine so different from others??
I just want a simple relationship, i just want a simple fairytale.
i so tired of quarreling and crying. Sometime i really just lose hope in everything.
i no longer believe in fairytales and happy ending because nothing last forver.
My friends always tell me LOVE and HATE only have a line in between! Either you LOVE that perwson so much or you HATE that person to the core.
But i dunno where i am standing rght now!
Am i wrong to expect a wonderful and perfect relationship??
Why others can have such a prefect and beautiful relationships but mine is always full of ups and downs??? worst of all MINE is mostly down!!
I can't really remember when was the last time i was really happy!! Many people ask me " JESSMIN where is your carefree attitude?? " " Jessmin where is your beautiful smile and laugher?" " JESSMIN where is your straight personality?? "
I really duuno how to explain or answer that question anymore.
I always thought that talking out my problems will help to solve all my problems and will stop all thr quarrels but i also finally realise that i'm really really wrong!
Somtimes saying out hopw you actually feel is not the correct thing to do.
People will only thin that you're thinking too much and your are really giving alot of trouble.
For the past 9 months i have learn to keep everything to myself and suffer alone cause i don't believe in saying my problems out will do anyone any good.
Sometimes i really find that life really sucks! My FAMILY sucks my Relationship is full of problems! Nothing is going the right wat for me and i'm no longer happy .
I have long lost the JESSMIN i know.
Every single night i cry to myself, why did i lead myself into this state??
I use to be cheerful and happy ! I used to be happy go lucky and very excited about every single thing but right now, i wake up every single day full with troubles and sadness.
I really miss Irene aka Jieying!! I miss her every single day when i feel sad and unhappy, she will always sing me a song! Our song....
I also really wanna thanks Elisa alot. she has been there to give me alot of support and encouragement when i need her.
I know wanna thank Debbie alot! When i need someone the most, when i was all alone with no one to care and love for me she was there to spent the night with me and sleep with me.
I also wannt thank "HIM" for coming to pick me up when i was unhappy and make me realise about alot of things.
During this period when i was really really down, only Debbie, Elisa, Bryan, M--- K--, yueling and a few others were here for me. Even though we seldom talk or contact but our relationship and friendship is still as strong as before.
I totally understand what u guys all mean! " life is short and i should LOVE myself more! I should make a decision that will make me happy !" but right now i am really trying very very hard.
I'm having too much problems till i dunno which problems to solve first.
-I wanna find a job that i really like!
-I hope he can treat me right and stop all his attutide!
-I hope to move out and have a family of my own!
-I want a beautiful fairytale !
-i want someone to love me and pamper me and make me feel like a princess.
I need alot of stuff!! I'm just a normal girl.. All i want is for a guy to treat me right!
I wanna be happy and to be loved!
Izzit really that hard ??
Tell me is what i want really too much to ask ??
I want my life back!!
I want my smile and my character back!
I want my carefree attitude and most importantly I want myself back!
P.s Irene pls come back to me!! I really need you ...
9:35 PM
